Incomplete....

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess

I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete

I don't mean to drag it on, but I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete

Incomplete

I HATE HIM!~!~

Woke up in the morning feeling full of hate for him!~!~ I hate him for inflicting so much pain in me!~ I hate him for making my heart feel so painful everyday!~! I hate him for causing me so much nightmare every night!~!~ and most of all I hate him for pushing the knife deeper into the wound when he has a chance to leave it as it is! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!~!~ I hate him to the core of the heart!~~~!~ that anger in me just keep boiling up! I hate him!~~! I hate him for making all the decision! I hate him when he has to say all those rubbish stuff and the next moment he just said that he din't think throughly! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him for calling me that day when he left for australia!~ I hate myself for answering that call!! I hate it! I hate myself for walking straight into that trap! I hate it I hate it!!! its all my stupidility!! I hate it!! I hate him!

你还爱我吗....

Every words in this song voices out all my feeling for him... but all I can do now is 学着面对独处
给深爱的你祝福... endless rain in the heart.... when will it stop...

夜里传来雨的声音
轻轻拨动心的旋律
情不自禁想起你
那些甜蜜的回忆
总是不小心就淋湿了我的眼睛
爱情需要一些呼吸
偶尔保持一点距离
回到朋友的关系
任你自由的来去
从此想念你只能放在我心里

你还爱我吗
一直好想问你这句话
却又怕听到你真实的回答
你还爱我吗
为何你总是不说话
眼看我为爱不爱挣扎
你爱我吗
好久没有你的消息
心里还惦记着你

在这冷冷的夜里
感觉那么的熟悉
好想再见你想听听你的声音
感情的路总让人好无助
我会学着面对独处
给深爱的你祝福

oh
一直好想问你这句话
却又怕听到你真实的回答
你还爱我吗
这是我唯一的牵挂
不管你会有什么回答
我会一直等你
你还爱我吗

First stitch complete

Finally completed my first outline of the picture! Moving on to the 2nd outline!~! Jia you! Jia you!

Make me up!~!~

Sunday I have a crush course with my makeup artist on makeup... keke... did it coz my mum is a nag.. she keep on nagging me that girls should wear some makeup! Okay I know! but makeup is not my cup of tea!~!~ For 26 years of my life I seldom touch makeup at all, wearing a skirt and heel are the most I can do... So I decided to seek an expert to make me up~!~ ke ke

Me without makeup

Me with foundation.. freckles no more!~~ ke ke

eyeshadow added!

How about this smoky eye?

The finish me~~ Nice??

Got to go shopping next month to get some suitable concealer and some eyeshadow. I like the yellow that on my eyes... want to get it for casual makeup. The best makeup is not to let people know that you have did an makeup rather people felt that you look fresher! Thats the tip that my makeup artist gave me... have to keep mastering. I guess after my braces and my operation... I think I will look much much better!~!~! ke ke Now my face look so sharp and I don't like it! Now is to put back my weight! eat eat eat!!!!!

Bee content?

Yesterday went to kitty house for food, brooze, mahjong... suppose to be fun but it was a tragic!~!~ First of all we are having bbq in the house! BBQ in the house outside the balcony and its a enclose one by the way. They brought those disposable bbq pit.Ekkkkkkkkkkkk, house no lighter, no matches coz all of us are non-smoker. So we use the stove to light the pit, but it did not light well and the charcoal can't fully burn...as we thought lah.. so we light up another one when xuefeng came with the lighter... it also does not burn... as we thought... so I decided to cook up those food that can be cook by the stove. Kit's house is really very bare min. so is her kitchen... btw althought I don't cook as most will presume.. but I'm very very anal about the kitchen!~ I can't stand kitchen that is dirty, messy and there is no proper cooking utensils!~!~ *faint* I was cooking in a "frying pan" that is wobbled!!~ how to cook!~!~ *faint* I manage to cook the mushroom and the chicken up... ya the chicken like mega big lor!!! how can cook on the small bbq pit? it will take forever to get it cook! Finally, the bbq pit got fire!~! well the instruction say it take about 20min for the fire to start leh, ke ke!~! so ah bee was bbq-ing, I was cooking~!~ and the rest! busy play mahjong!~~! argh!~!~ end up, I cook, I wash, I mop the floor! Ah bee cook! ah bee wash, Ah bee mop the floor at the bbq area. NOT fun lor!!~!~

If you think that the nightmare is over... NOOOOOOOOO its just started!~! I brought a bottle of wine that I brought at huntervalley. As usual, ah bee been alcholic drank the beer and the wine.... and she got drunk!~!~!~! kept beating me and xue feng.... that is not all!~!~ coz in the afternoon she and kitty went to see a fortune teller which is quite accurate, and the fortune teller told her about andy which is lazy, and she can't pamper him too much or else she will have trouble next time... these some how reassurance some of her thinking..... well from the start of her r/s I already felt she does not really so much in love with andy compared to roy and now she said she is planning to get married... well if things have come to that stage, I wish her well in her marriage.... but she herself also did told us that she does not felt so intensive in love with him but after spending so many years together, its just nature that the love just develop slowly and if he do ask her, she will say yes also.

So is she contented?? Is it good that someone love you and pamper more than you do? rather than someone turn around and stab you at your heart? well most of the time, we don't get what we want... someone who can fit your bill- sensitve, understanding, adverterous, love you, pamper you, romantic, etc, the list is never ending. she is not the only one that I'm worried... dar dar is another one. He is married, yes he is... but the way he treated this marriage some how worried me... he married for the sack of marrying because the flat is here... they dont spend much after marriage because he is so busy with his work and so is she, and it does not help that their off days are not the same.... and even he is free he will spend most of his time playing mahjong with his friends or warcraft... so is he contented also?

What makes one say YES to marriage?? I know very well the fear I always have.. althought I wanted to settle down (well I have reach the marriage age)... but at the back of my mind... all these people around me... including my own parent... makes me develop a subconscious fear for marriage. What makes one so sure that the one you are marrying is the one that will love you till the end of time? What happen this biggest gamble of your life, you lost it? Will you be happy? Will both of us who lived at two different places come together as one under the same roof, will you be able to live with that person, compromise the other person's habit? There is so many things to consider.. or are there? No idea and I have not come to a crossroad like ah bee now whether to take this road of marriage ahead of her.....

Planning to go to see a fortune teller also next weekend... I realise when a person have come to the bottom of their life... all they wanted to hear from someone who knows the "future" to tell them their life is going to OKAY! MOVE ON!~!~

stitch.. unstitch... stitch... unstitch...

I finally went down to chinatown to get the beads for my t-shirt. I spend 4hours yesterday night sewing one outline of the picture, only to tear it up this afternoon as mum said the picture is too sideway and the whole picture will look too heavy... unstitch all out and start all over again.... but after sewing a few stitches.. i felt it looks ugly!~!~ as the outline did not turn out well... guess I need to unstitch them out again and start again...argh!~~! I can do it!~!

Using this to focus my mind.. to let my mind not wander to anywhere near that place... to run away from the pain that keep piercing through the heart... I have not been sleeping well for the past weeks... having to wake up in the middle of the night.. only to find that its still early... i'm so look forward to the new drama that i'm going to work on... only then i know i will go home everday dead tired and very fast it will be the next day and the cycle goes on for two months non-stop... by then I guess the wound will just heal by itself... but does it matter? No one will sees the difference. In the eyes of everyone.. I will always be the cheerful me in front of others... will people know that this time I have lost everything including myself? I felt that as one ages... its harder for one to heal from a wound.... to forget... to let go... to move on...

如果没有你......

hey我真的好想你
现在窗外面又开始下着雨
眼睛干干的有想哭的心情
不知道你现在到底在哪里
hey我真的好想你
太多的情绪没适当的表情
最想说的话我应该从何说起
最想说的话我该从何说起
你是否也像我一样在想你
如果没有你
没有过去我不会有伤心
但是有如果还是要爱你
如果没有你
我在哪里又有什么可惜
反正一切来不及
反正没有了自已
hey我真的好想你
不知道你现在到底在哪里

你是否也像我一样在想你

手....

Found this song by karen mok... a very meaningful song... 手...what makes you hold my hand then... everything started when you holded my hand... what makes you decided to hold on to that hand... and now without making effort... without giving a 2nd chance... the hand just let go.... and it was not once, it was not twice... it was three time... that hand of yours stab me hard at the heart... and the last stab...... cuts the deepest of all.... it went all the way in.... deep in.... a silence cut.... that silence the heart completely....

那是你的手
曾经轻轻安抚我眉头
但也是它摔开了我的手
泄了气的气球
两颗心在萎缩的温柔
你始终只低着头
紧握你拳头

透过这窗口
有人会猜我们是朋友
最普通的朋友甚至不点头
在记忆的上游
那是什么揪着我心头
是不是你那双我熟悉的手
但抱过你的手
还能放在谁背后
你想过没有
我们为何会牵手
是什么理由
然后,没有然后
甚至,不再挥挥手

那是你的手
曾经把我捧在你胸口
但今天以后
它不会再敲我门口
有一股腥红的哀愁
缓缓的流出卡住我喉头
你远远的抱着手肘
只站在外头
但抱过你的手
还能放在谁背后
你想过没有
我们上一次牵手
是什么时候
然后,没有然后
甚至,不再挥挥手
抱过你的手
还能放在谁背后
是什么时候
我们上一次牵手
但抱过你以后
有什么已被没收
你想过没有
我们第一次牵手
是什么借口
然后,没有然后
甚至不再挥挥手
分手,也不需理由

Today.... 我要快乐....

Today is one of the good day I have after so many bad ones behind me... maybe is because I started my day reading "venus starting over. It some how reflect on myself how I am feeling and why I am feeling like that, and what I should do to get myself really moving ahead....

I planned my weekend:
1) Morning- going for a picnic myself. At first I invited someone to go with me, but I guess I want to be alone with myself to be in tune with the nature.
2) Afternoon- I will go to arab street to get some beads. keke. I went to this aboriginal art gallery and saw their art design is very beautiful and would like to sew them as a t-shirt design (of coz with some molification). Hope I have the endurance to do complete it. Long long time never do art and craft. ke ke. I rememebr back in my school days I always like to do cross stitch, knitting, etc.
3) After that I decided to go for a massage!~! around the corner. My first massage!~! shhhhhhh!~!~ ke ke ke
4) At Night time- ah bee and kat invite me to play mahjong, drink, watch soccer, la la la. I guess just join in for the fun and catch up some long lost friendship.

One step at a time.... I can do it.... to feel back the feeling... no one will understand how i felt now... what is it like to feel nothing... like other I also wish to be happy... 我要快乐

又被爱伤了一遍
无所谓当作成长
刚刚走开的人
烟还点着味道却淡了
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的
把从前想了一遍
谢谢了伤我的人
想做乐观的人
每种雨声听了都不冷
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
我的决定是对的

Hurt me no more...

stop poking into the wound... stop pushing me forward... just went to return some vcd that i rented and that guy told me to send regards to him... said he was a very nice guy.. and i'm a very lucky person to have such a nice bf... so what he is good... he is no longer mine... i have to practially lie through my teeth to said that yes, im a blessed person... yes!~!~ I'm so blessed to get killed by my so called good bf.... the bleeding inside my heart is killing me slowly... i'm just too emotionally tired... and all I can do is try to struggle through everyday... burying myself inside my work... focus is what I can keep telling myself.... focus... so that no one can see how tired I am....

Tired of moving!~!~

Stop asking me to move forward, look forward, stop looking back... I'm tired now.... okay... I just want to sit here and rest...

Focus on my future

Fell asleep thinking of what I should do about my future.... ke ke... I seldom give a thought to what I should do. I just do with the flow of life, plan so far also no use. You might died tomorrow, so why not live your life to the fullest without regret. But seriously its about time to give a thought about it... I'm all tied down with my debt that I borrow for my study, so for the next 3 years I should concentrate on returning all the money. I was thinking to "kill" myself in Mediacock after my surgery. Now that I have no one to worry about, no commitment for my partner, don't have to squeeze out time to accompany any one. Its alright that I can just slog my next 3 years or so life in there. Anyway, I will just send in the application and see if I can get in. If I can get in, just get myself "branded" for it for the next 3 years before I move on. If not, will see about it, how I should move on from there. By then, I will be 30 years old and out of debt. Yippy!~! From 30-35years old, I will try to get myself out of SG!~!~!~ Yes, I mean out of SG!~!~ I'm old enough and I hope my mum won't nag at me for leaving home to explore the world. Either, I go and further my study overseas and get a PR over there or find a job overseas that will take me in. But these are all just thoughts.. but I guess it will set me more or less focus.. taking one step at a time... to reach my goals... although things might get change along the way... but I guess its time that I don't live in anyone shadow, not even my mum! This time, I'm growing my wings back myself~!

Woke up in pain just now in the morning... I dreamed of him... I dream of me crying at him... asking him why he has to leave me... why he can't make this depart less painful... I will feel much better if he could just let go slowly.... drop me a call once awhile, etc... Its now starting to get blurred of what happened in the dream... but it felt so real... I was fighting to wake up... my heart was racing like mad.... finally I manage to open my eyes.... as always I stand at my window with a glass of water... slowly sipping the water and enjoy the silence... this seems like the everyday routine for me to stand at the window... some how it calms me down... not going back in there anymore... I know very well that I had cut the string loss that night... I did not feel that uncomfortable, I thought I will be when I met up with him that night to get my gift. We chatted and talk about his trip in australia. The pictures are beautiful. I'm definitely will want to visit the great ocean road!~ I guess the soccer match outside the window do help abit in distracting me and an excuse not to look at him. I guess thoughout the dinner, I was trying to avoid seeing him face to face. Maybe I was abit uncomfortable but I guess I need time to picture him as my friend. But, I feel okay- no heartache, just like a friend catching up, that kind of feeling. I din't even feel anything when we depart, heading different direction to catch our buses back home. But some how I felt there was a stop in moment when he passed the stuff to me.... and when he left, I din't even look straight at him to say goodbye.... maybe I was uncomfortable... whatever lah... anyway he is my friend that I will learn to love, that is what I will keep telling myself from now onward. I love the beanie he got for me...its too big for my head though... ke ke coz its meant for guy. Nvm its the thought that counts. I will kept it with the rest of his stuff- the orange oska t-shirt he got for me, which I told him I will gave it away... no idea why he got it then.. its a 8mth old t-shirt... he said that he find it cute... been roll up like that and even insist that the sales girl sold him that. The sales girl kept wanting to get a new pieces, and he insist that unless they roll in up like that or else he don't want. It was very funny. I don't know why also. He got me a dolphine bracklet thinking it was an anklet.. ke ke.. but can't blame him coz that guy who sold him that told him it was an anklet. ke ke.. silly him. What I missed was the cross handphone strip, it was very beautiful and I love it... but he broke it when we were hiking up the mountain at palawan. He slipped and sat on it and it broke...I guess GOD was protecting him than or else it will be a bad fall... it was muddy after the rain and the road is kind of not used.. I think we are the only two crazy people who went up the mountain track and get ourselves all tired... but it was worth it... coz it was another paradise when we get there... we slowly canoe ride back to our resort and enjoy the sun slowly set behind us....

Friends...

Its time like this that you realise... you don't really have a friend that you want to spend your time with.. or will spend time with you... over the years the only best friends I had were my boyfriends... the rest were my friends... that are close yet wasn't that close... its time to spend more time developing these friendships...

Grey's Anatomy!~!~

Finally finish the last episode of season 2 of grey anatomy but its not FINISH!~!~ The producer of this show really can keep the viewer so looking forward to the next season! Coz the season finale ends with grey having to choose between Macdreamy or the vet who has plans!!! Argh!~! I'm so sure that she will just walk out of them again the next season! Why can't they just be togerther!~! Of coz they can't or else there won't be any more show to watch!

For those who has no idea what this grey's anatomy is about.. well its a drama series about a group of new surgical interns fighting it out and figuring it out in one of the country's most competitive residency programs. The group of five all battle the job, each other and life on a daily basis. Despite the cut-throat atmosphere and relentless stress the five manage to form friendships and grow with each other. They are all young, sexually charged and motivated. . .leading to a deep and passionate story. Despite this thread of similarity, all five interns are unique. Meredith, a quietly ambitious doctor is the daughter of a famous surgeon. She hides the fact that her mother is ailing from Alzhimer's and it eats her up. Christina is the definition of 'motivated' and 'mean', constantly vying for the top spot amonst the group. Isobel a self-conscious girl from a small town grew up poor and put herself through med school with her modeling, which becomes a source of embarrasment. George is the goofy guy next door who desperately wants the attention of the girls but is hopelessly awkward in their presence. Alex, although handsom, is as arrogant as they come and gives new meaning to the phrase 'God Complex'.

The team of doctors who 'mentors' this group is just as diverse and troublesome. Dr. Derek Shepherd is the hospital's new super-star surgeon. He soon finds out that a one-night stand, Meredith, is one of the hospital's new interns. Despite the hospital's policy he decides to continue his relationship with Meredith. Shepherd's success threatens Dr. Preston Burke, who views the hotshot doctor as an obstacle in his climb to the top of the hospital. Burke is an amazing surgeon that seems to thrive on this conflict. He's ruthless with the new doctors but in the end wants to help them. The interns get a good dose of tough love from their daily drill-master, Dr. Miranda Bailey the senior resident, AKA "the Nazi." She has a love for junk food and for snapping at interns. All the doctors report to the chief of surgery, Dr. Richard Webber who has cautioned the interns that some won't make the cut in his program. At times, he has a hard time treating Meredith as 'another intern' considering he knew her as her mother's daughter, a world renowned surgeon.

After watching this show... it kind of make me scared for my own surgery... there is so many things that can happen... in actual fact I never liked hospital... I was admitted to the hospital once when I was very young... I got a drug allergy and have to stay in the hospital... it was kind of scary.. and I remember once I hid in the toilet to avoid seeing the doctor... and there was one time my mum has to go back and rest... and I was all left alone in the hospital... I'm scared and cried and wanted the nurse to call my mum back... I am so so regret now... to opt for the surgery... how am I going to survive... hospital gave me a creep... especially at night... its so not so quiet... you can hear people coughing... the sound of death... I remember the last time I was in the hospital... that was when my ex went for his nose surgery to have his broken nose fragment removed... I remember the day he was going into the surgery... I stood there... looking so helpless when the nurses wheeled him away... I only manage to gave him a kiss... I cried when he was gone... I hold on to his necklace,I pray and waited in teh library... finally he is out of the operation... i remembered that he hold on to my hand tighly and fall asleep... than he woke up crying and said he dreamed that I left him (in the end he was the one who left me...duh!~!) Anyway... it will be kind of scary... having to woke up and see no one is around... I hope my mum can take leave and accompany me.... nvm... the operation date is still some time away... can still mentally prepare myself...

Cars!~!~ Vrooooooom!~!

Went to watch cars today. It was a very enjoyable animation, was laughing throughout the whole show. It also have a very nice soundtracks. The song that I like the most is "Find Yourself" by Brad Paisley

1st Verse

When you find yourself
In some far-off place
And it causes you
To re-think some things
You start to sense
That slowly you're becoming someone else
And then you find yourself

2nd Verse

And when you make new friends
In a brand new town
And you start to think
About settlin' down
The things that would've been lost on you
Are now clear as a bell
And you find yourself
Yeah, that's when you find yourself

Chorus

(There you) (We) go through life
So sure of where (you're) (we're) headin'
And (you) (then we) wind up lost
And it's the best thing (that) could'a happened
('Cause) sometimes when you lose your way
It's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah, that's when you find yourself

3rd Verse

When you meet the one
That you've been waitin' for
And she's everything
That you want and more
You look at her, and you finally start
To live for someone else
And then you find yourself
Yeah, that's when you find yourself

(Repeat Chorus)

Found another sound that this guy wrote: "I Wish You'd Stay" I know it very well, why... some how it echo my feelings...

"I know you need to go
But before you do, I want you to know, that I...

Wish you the best
And I wish you nothin' less
Than everything you've ever dreamed of
And I hope that you find love along the way
(But) most of all
I wish you'd stay"

Songs is my way to express my feelings... every end of a r/s I always wanted to record a CD and give it to them... I manage to gave one finally to my ex, wising he understand how I felt... somehow this time, I did not have this feeling to gave him any songs to say my goodbye... "I'm sorry for still holdin' on I'll try to let go, and I'll try to be strong, and I'll Wish you the best. And I wish you nothin' less Than everything you've ever dreamed of. And I hope that you find love along the way..."


1st Verse

I talked to my sister in Memphis
And told her you were movin' to town
Here's her number
She said she'd be glad to show you around
Well, I left a map on your front seat
Just in case you lose your way
But don't worry, once you reach Sallisaw
It's all Interstate

1st Pre-Chorus

I know you need to go
But before you do, I want you to know, that I

Chorus

Wish you the best
And I wish you nothin' less
Than everything you've ever dreamed of
And I hope that you find love along the way
(But) most of all
I wish you'd stay

2nd Verse

I figure right about sundown
You'll be in West Tennessee
And by then
Maybe I'll understand why you had to leave
I know that you've done some changin'
And I know there's no changin' your mind
(And) yes I know
We've been through this a thousand times

2nd Pre-Chorus

And I'm sorry for still holdin' on
I'll try to let go, and I'll try to be strong, and I'll

(Repeat Chorus)

Tag Chorus

Yes, everything you've ever dreamed of
And I hope that you'll find love along the way
(But) most of all
I wish you'd stay
Yeah, I wish you'd stay

Last memory of you...

This will be going to be a last entry of him... of all the last feeling and memories I had for him... He was what I wish to be with... someone who is very motivated, coz most of the time I just lazy to make use of my brain... someone who is very adventerous that pushes me towards things that sometime I hesitate to do... someone who is not afraid what other people sees... I remember bringing him to a play- "oi, sleeping beauty".. he was so enjoying himself... shouting together with the audience...but he was always that cheeky... when the cast ask for a dog sound... he will go meow meow.... I was abit embrass by him... but I was happy to see someone who is so sponotenous... I love the way he smiles... especially he act as a goldfish... it never fails to put a smile on me... I enjoy the time we had when we play game together.... epecially those mario games that he bought for me to play... he was always so bad... bully me in the game... I remember one game that we have to control 2-3 people and we have to fight to gain control for the characters... it was so much fun... and the mario go kart game... wahahha he was such a loser for that game... that is the only game I have so much fun winning. ke ke Not forgetting the all time favourite mario party game... its a board game where we have to do challenges or mini games to win... we always have so much fun and laughter... I remember the time when we were at philiphine... I was greeted with a bouquet of lilies... It was so beautiful, I can say it was the largest bouquet of lilies I have recieved... and this is the first time he gave me flower... it was also our first holiday together... I remember how scared he was in the water... when I took him for a swim in the pool before we go for our snokling trip. He looks like a wet puppy been thrown into the water... so cute.. ke ke I remember the first time he tried snokling... he almost got me drown... I wasnt wearing any life jacket.. thinking I can swim... he was so nervous that he pull me downward... I was so scared and decided to wear my life jacket after that... I can say those days at palawan is the most beautiful and happiest moment of our relationship... having private lunch alone on a beach- tables and chairs are setup, with food and only the two of us on the island to enjoy the meal... picnics on the beaches... every morning I prepare breakfast waiting for him to come and eat.... watching our first sunset together... wish there were more of such moments... he is a past.. that I no longer can grab hold on to... a love that wasn't enough to make us get back together no more... a regret... that will always remember in the heart... and you will always be remember... good bye my love... and I will always watch over you as a friend... and may one day your beautiful smile brings happiness to the one you truely looking for.... I once wish I was the one to walk down this journey of yours... but I guess I'm just not the one you are looking for at the end of the road... I love you and will always love you... love will never stop... goodbye...

Friend or no friend?

Why should I bother?? Since making such decision is so hard... why keep thinking about it... you know that you can't do anything... letting go is the best things to do... so stop slipping into that zone that you know you will be unhappy... just let the matter rest and stop narrowing yourself and trap yourself in the same maze... you know how to tell people to walk out of the maze.. you should know better that you set the maze up yourself... the person that can walk out... is you.. yourself... so stop walking in and out... let go... just accept that he is your friend.. let nature take its cause... and let the fact sink into your head.... there is no going back... you have alraedy set your mind to be his friend when you decided to help him out that time... so continue focus on that... he is your friend.. he is your friend.... he is your friend... what he said does not affect your decision... you decided to walk back and help him... bear the consequences of its result... you know very well that you can't be with him anymore... what was broken.. takes time to fix it back... you know it right? I know... so move ahead.. focus on your energy to other people... you don't need to share what you wanted to share to him anymore... share with other people... I believe they will too enjoy with you too... it does not mean to stop loving him.. but love him as a friend now... love him as a friend... he is someone who knows you well... a old friend... move on... you can do it.. move on... a past is a past.... a lost is a lost... but it will only make you grow stronger each step you take... so take it... move on...

Moving ahead again...

Feel so much at peace after talking to gabra... once again he shake me out... I told him what has happened... and what I wanted to do.... he scolded me... and I guess he is right... i'm running away... that's why I feel so miserable... I'm doing something that I don't want to do... that is stop loving him... as a friend... I guess nothing can change what has happened... so stop looking back and hope that there will be a change in him or us... move ahead... I just have to move on... I will... I told myself... I will... he can move on... so can I... *shallow the last tear in*... I will go on without you... Like a fool who's too sure...I'm like a brid who's lost her wing...A fire without its flame...I don't know how to be strong...When my love has to move on ...I am a song without a soul...Now that she's gone ... What's left of us is this song..... I know at the end of this journey.. what waiting for me... is myself... a stronger me...

林俊杰...Now that she's gone
Girl you know i miss you so
I didn't know you had to go
You've had enough of our distance baby
Before I had the chance to say
I'm staying with you
For the rest of my life
Don't keep telling me these words
You don't know how much it hurts
And I'll promise you eternity
if you promise me your stay
But now it's too late
I'm no longer the man that I was
I will go on without her
Like a fool who's too sure
I'm like a brid who's lost her wing
A fire without its flame
I don't know how to be strong
When my love has to move on
I am a song without a soul
Now that she's gone
What's left of us is this song
Don't keep telling me these words Oh no
You don't know how much it hurts
And I'll promise you eternity
if you promise me your stay
But now it's too late
I'm no longer the man that I was
I will go on without her
Like a fool who's too sure
I'm like a brid who's lost her wing
A fire without its flame
I don't know how to be strong
When my love has to move on
I am a song without a soul
Now that she's gone
What's left of us is this song
Oh yes I know I don't know
baby i am konw i'am a foul
AndI will go on without her
Like a fool who's too sure
I'm like a brid who's lost her wing
A fire without its flame
I don't know how to be strong
When my love has to move on
I am a song without a soul
Now that she's gone
What's left of us is this song
This is our song without a soul
Now that you're gone
What's left of us in this song

The Scientist

Kiat recommanded me this song... by coldplay called The Scientist...

Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Ooooohhhhhhh [x4]

I guess what he wanted to tell me... nobody say that all these is going to be easy... and yet no one said it would be so hard... it depend on how I wanted to handle all these... its all about my choice...

解脱....

Decided to let go everything... even as been a friend... decided to do the disappearing act... pretend that I did not exist... that was the decision I wanted to make a year ago and I guess this is the decision I will make now... cutting loss... delete his phone number.. delete his msn... delete all the photos I have with him and let time wash away memories and blur the images ... going to see him the last time to get whatever stuff he got me as a gift.. which I know I will never take it out and use even though I love it... it will be the last time I will cry for us... in rememberance of us... I guess letting go of everything is the best things for me.... 走到感情关键时候却握不住你的手...还能有什么藉口让爱再回头...多少的爱说不出口...就让时间帮我说话我一个人拼命挣扎...总比两个人一起难过还好吧...如果分离是唯一的解脱最后的话我来说... 如果永远你不必再难过遗憾让我来过... 就算过去的回忆太脆弱连未来也没有我...爱着你仍是我的执着... 爱着你唯一的解脱

I suddenly feel like closing down this blog and start a new one... this blog contained so much pain inside and some how it will always happen in the month of april... It was meant to blog happy memories... memories of the time I shared with my loved ones... now.. its more like a grave for all my loved ones...

I suddenly felt so tired once again... looking back to all my entries... happiness does not last long for the past 3 years... happines just slip by me... and each time I though that I'm holding on to a happiness... but it is always a empty one in the end... both r/s... I did not get to celebrate the one year anniversary...what is the purpose to make them happy when in the end they all make you sad in return... shattering every bits of your heart that you take such a hard time to fix it back... is loving someone so difficult? or having someone to love you is so difficult?... I thought I know what it takes to groom a r/s... I guess I really do not know at all... and this last r/s says it all..

Suddenly this journey looks endless ahead of me, infront of me looks empty and bare... I stop and wonder is it best to sit here and rest... i'm just afraid of what's ahead of me... there have been more bad days than good days since the day I embark on this vacation... but some how I know I have to walk ahead... but how?... I know I will find the answer.. today is just not the day to walk ahead...

today...

Cried in the shower after finish the previous blog... again I let the water washes my tears dry... some how it still hurts to think of the lost... I know it will a drag the day of meeting him... I know I will pretend to be happy... to be chatty... wearing a mask to mask away all the saddness... trying to show him that i'm doing well... I guess that's the only way to mask my uneasiness.... and I know I will cry again after that meeting... when the farewell come again.... I wish i know how to go on easy on this journey.. the only way I can do is to let out all my feeling and pain in here.... and wish it will go away soon... at this moment the thought of missing him... hurt so much again... I guess some time is best to lie to yourself that all these does not really matter at all... I will be strong... I will walk again one day... its hard enough to loss your wings... now its even harder to lost your ability to walk... some days... I guess i'm just trying to crawl through the days just to get myself moving ahead... some time it keeps me wonder... what I did so far... wasn't enough for him to understand and make him give us a 2nd chance... I though I did manage to touch his heart when he told me he has gave it a though about us and would like to try again... the next moment... he gave you an reply that I have not thought deep enough... and I have force on him to say out... did I force you to call me to tell me all those stuff on the day you are leaving to australia? What makes you want to say all those words to me? which in the end you have never tried and you just back away.... some time I just wish that you have never called.. you have never said all those stuff... it make me feel that what you said and the decision you have made was all force by me... I really wonder what when into your mind when you called that day... I really wonder... but its the end... and its the end... I won't called nor will I asked.. like my heart... things are just going to be silence from now...

可惜不是你

Hear this song in the car.. and felt that this song is meant to conclude everything... I guess its a petty that I can't be the one to walk with you to the end.. I guess you have tried... but I guess I wan't the one for you... sometime I wish all these that had happened was a dream.. but sometime I'm just glab that you have woken yourself from the dream and realise that I wasn't the one for you.... sometime I wonder what make a person the one for you and how would you know he/she is really the one for you?

歌曲：可惜不是你

歌手：梁静茹

这一刻突然觉得好熟悉
像昨天今天同时在放映
我这句语气原来好像你
不就是我们爱过的证据

差一点骗了自己骗了你
爱与被爱不一定成正比
我知道被疼是一种运气
但我无法完全交出自己

努力为你改变
却变不了预留的伏笔
以为在你身边那也算永远
仿佛还是昨天
可是昨天已非常遥远
但闭上双眼我还看得见

可惜不是你陪我到最後
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔
那一段我们曾心贴着心
我想我更有权力关心你
可能你已走进别人风景
多希望也有星光的投影
努力为你改变
却变不了预留的伏笔
以为在你身边那也算永远
仿佛还是昨天
可是昨天已非常遥远
但闭上双眼我还看得见

可惜不是你陪我到最後
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔
可惜不是你陪我到最後
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能温暖我胸口

Picnic!~!~

Suddenly decided to plan for a picnic!~ A picnic with noone else except me and myself!~~ I went to the department store to get a thermo flask coz I was thinking to make tea. I felt so aunty shopping for it. Ke ke The thermo flask cost $40 and it have this 20% due to GSS. Well, I thought: "Not bad, its quite cheap what." So when I paid for it, it was like $27!~ I could not believe it... i thought there must be a miscalculation. Anyway, I did not go and ask the cashier lah!~!~ Apperally, I got an additional 15% off from my debit card. Whahahah. I'm going to make some sandwiches- egg mayo. Bring along my book "Da vinic code", spread a mat, with a small picnic basket and read under the morning sun. :o) The thought of it sound exciting and i'm looking forward to the next sunday.

I always like the idea of picnic... always wanted to get a picnic basket - those that I saw in hunter valley in australia...with plates, wine glasses and cultury... with my loved one... we will make some food together.. some cheese and cracker... some fruits.. some sandwiches.. and a bottle of good wine... sat there under the tree shade.. and watch the day goes by... listen to the nature making merry music. Hope that one day all my wishes will come true with someone who can really appreciate who I am and enjoy the things that we do.

Yesterday night, I meet up with a very very old friend, a classmate during secondary school, but have left the class when he was in sec 2. Ah bee met him when she visited cathay pacific for a meeting. Sometime you could not believe that the world can be so small some time. Ke ke The three of us have a catch up with those lost memory that we have during secondary, it was a wonderful evening. Laughing at our past.. our teachers... our friends... suddenly, you felt so old... Ke ke!~~ Really missed those youth days.. without worries... ke ke

A story about a little girl and a goldfish

One day, little goldlie saw a goldfish in the fish shop when she was on her way home. The goldfish has a long beautiful tail and it colour was bright red, the brightest among all the goldfish in the tank. The minute she saw it, she was memorise by it. She greeted the goldfish: "Hello, little goldfish!" The goldfish replied: "Hello." Goldlie was shock and she quickly look around to see if anyone is around. There was no one. She looks back at the goldfish and the goldfish smiled and said: "Hello!" From that day onward, goldlie went to visit the goldfish and talk to it. She told it how was her day, she share her happiness, her saddness, basically her everyday life.

One fine day, she asked the goldfish, "Do you want to accompany to see the world with me?" The goldfish replied,"Can I really see the world? But i'm afraid? How can I get out of here?" Goldlie replied: "Don't be afraid! You can live in the fishbowl and I can bring you around to see the world!" The goldfish gave it a thought. The little girl asked again: " But I have never have a goldfish in my life, I'm afraid that i can't take care of you also." The goldfish replied: "Not to worry, I don't need much care. Just change my water every 2 days and feed me everyday." Littel girl replied: "Sound easy. Maybe I should go back and think about it. Bye bye fish, its time for me to go home"

The next day, goldlie went back to the fish shop to visit the goldfish. The goldfish said: "I have gave it a thought, can you bring me to see the world?" "Really? you want to see the world with me?", the little girl replied in joy. The goldfish replied: "Yes! You won't know till you give it a try." So the little brought the goldfish back. She was very happy and look at the goldfish in the fish bowl and she asked the goldfish: "What is your name?" The goldfish replied: " I have no name." "How about I name you goldie?" She asked the goldfish. The goldfish smiled back and swim around in circle. "Goldie is my name, my name is goldie", the goldfish sings.

From that day onward, the little girl brought goldie everywhere she go... she brought the goldfish for a picnic at the park... she prepared breads, fruits, nachos... and they spend a lazing morning under the sun, letting the world go by them... she asked goldie: "are you happy?" Goldie said: "Yup, I was having fun. I never know that the world outside the fish shop is so fun and beautiful." She asked goldie: "So would you like to visit the big sea to see all your friends?". Goldie replied: "You mean there are more fishes? And there is a place called the sea?" "Yes," she said. So she packed the bag and brought goldie to the big sea. "Wait! But I can't swim in the sea!", cried goldie. Oh ya, I forget that goldfish is a freshwater fish and the sea is salt water, it will die if it goes into the water. Suddenly, an idea came up. "Not to worry, I have an idea," she told goldie *smiling* she put goldie in a zip tight bag and brough it along with her to the sea. They saw many fishes, corals and many marine lifes... it was very exciting- an adverture of a life time.

Time goes by and the little girl grow up.. and starts working... she spend lesser and lesser time with goldie. One day, the little girl decided to bring goldie for a holiday. "Lets go for a holiday to visit the mountain", the little girl asked. The goldfish did not reply. "What wrong goldie? Are you not feeling well?" The goldfish look at her and said: "Have you notice me? You have been so busy that that you hardly take notice of me. I'm tired of staying in this fish bowl. Its getting to small for me!" "I'm sorry. I guess I'm too busy. I will get you a bigger fish bowl when we get back from the holiday." "No! I no longer can stay with you. I want to go!" "Go? to where?" "I have decided. I want to go to the sea." "To the sea?" "Yes, to the sea!" the goldfish insisted.

For days, the little girl plead with the goldfish to stay with her. "If you don't let me go, I will jump off from this bowl and kill myself." "Please don't do that" "So let me go and bring me to the sea." The little girl cried for days and nights, refusing to let the goldfish go. One day, as she was sitting there looking at the goldfish. and she thought to herself: "the fishbowl is really getting too small for goldie. And its too lonely to be alone in the fish bowl all the time. I wish I can accompany it, but I guess it won't be enough to keep it happy any more. What's the point of keeping it with you when it is not happy? It will be too selfish of me to do that." So the little told the goldfish: "I'm sorry for being selfish to keep you with me. I will bring you to the sea. "Really?" the fish jump in joy. "but won't you miss me when you are gone?" The fish asked. "I will. But I guess I will be more happy seeing you happy." the little girl replied as she let the goldfish into the sea. The goldfish gave the little girl a last look and said: "Take care and be well." and swam away.... the little girl... sat there and watch the fish swam away... she look at the now empty fish bowl.. and have no idea how to describle her lost... she left the fish bowl on the table and decided to go for a long vacation.... The END.

I closed the book that I packed with me when I go for this journey... I thought I will miss the story.. after taking it out and read it... I guess its just the old sentimental me... I guess I have a reach a point where I have know its the end and its the end, and no matter how many time you re-read the book, you know the ending will never change at all... put the book back into the luggage and take a step forward again.

Rain...

I found myself having a urge to cry out loud yesterday night.... shut myself inside the shower room.. and tears just keep running out as I shower... Now I understand why when i'm sad I love to go swimming... coz when you cry in the water.. nobody will actually notice...

I missed the fish... although I have pack myself for this journey... as I pace out the first step.. my mind keep calling out and tell me: "what if no one feed the fish?"... what if noone clean the fish bowl?", "who is going to look after the fish?"... I decided to turn back and wanted to run back to it... than I saw the fish bowl on the table... it is empty... I have forgot that I have let the fish back into the sea...I suddenly feel a sense of saddness and lost... I told myself its good enough for today... I manage to walk a step... try walking another one tomorrow... I'm tired already, its time to rest....

Woke up suddenly in the morning with an ache in the heart... a sense of emptiness.. a sense of panic of where I am... I found myself staring in blank for moment... got up.. pour myself a glass of water and stood at the window and look at the morning sky... dark clouds... cold wind.. the rain is coming... its going be a wet day today.. but I'm going to bring a bolly with me to continue the journey....

Fish bowl

The feeling is like letting a fish back into the water... today I decided to let the fish in the fish bowl to swim back into the water... after struggling I realise that it was never meant to be in the fish bowl... it was meant to swim freely in the big sea... only than it can be itself again... glab that it has recovered when I first pick it up.. hope one day it will find what it was looking for... left the fish bowl on the table... took a last look at it... packed the bag.. and decided to go for a long vacation.....

Bad mood....

I lost it again... breaking down in tears... just feel that there is an air inside me... I have no idea what you want... you want to start to get to know each other... or prehaps you should just leave me and go on... I just not use to having the hot and cold treatment from a person who I onced love... if you can take all my nonsense of answering all my questions... feel free to stay... if you can't take it... don't say you will make afford to go thru problems and communicate and compromise.... and don't make me like a fool... when my heart decided to stay still... and you have to say all those happy stuff to make me happy with abit of hope... and after that you give me that cold shoulder and say i'm playing mind game with you. This mind game statement is really making me really hurt, angry... It does not help much when there is nothing to do in the office and there is an irriating person around that keep asking me lame questions..... making my day super hard to go by... stay on.... *breath breath*

Early thoughts...

Woke up... I guess I slept too early yesterday... felt feverish and headache after it has rain the whole day.. pop two panadol and all my medicince.. could not wait till 10pm to take them and went to sleep... onlyto wake up at 1am and could not sleep again!~!~ struggle to get back to sleep since its still so early... but some how my brain gets active.... it keeps talking to you! I guess subconsciously there is things that I wanted to talk to you again. So I guess I need to blog it out... or else gods know how long it will still stay in there. ke ke

1. Lets talk about us.... You have never get over that I was once kiat's gf. Till this date you still mention about it even you say its the past and don't want to talk about it. But don't you get it? It's all the pasts that keep weighting you down...and the more you don't want to talk about it.. they seems to back you away. And its all a built up... Did you ever try to talk about this to me? Did you try to ask what's kiat opinion? Are you afraid that I will go back to him again or fall in love with him again? Since we have get together a few years back.... you must be wondering why? The reason why... I have no idea how we did every get back for a few times... we went out 4 times and the least time I felt its all wrong... what we are doing are all wrong. Not am I inviting trouble to myself... I'm actually hurting someone who do not know about it. I know I love him.. but some how this love was not the kind of r/s love/... its a kind of love that is like an old friend... a love that you don't have to be with that person in a r.s... Rather all you wanted is to see is that he is happy. Its hard to forget first love coz thats where you learn to love. But my heart has open to an extend that my love for him is purely a friendship love. I did asked him when we get together, how do he felt about this, coz I do mind also. He say its okay, and he is happy about it and wish me well with you.
2. You equate my busy schedule and result it as a karma of your past relationship - you broke off because of your busy schedule and you could not spend time with your ex. It equating that you have not let your past r.s go. But have you look back and thinks at the things you have done? You started the r.s well.. all came all the setting of biz... your study... and because she still can't get use to the change in your life style and you do not give people time to adjust nor did you put efford to make your partner settle down.. you broke off with her. Not only that you are deciving yourself but deciving your r.s by falling in love with another girl along the way during your r.s. Maybe this girl was very "understanding" to you coz why? Becasue you only show the surface of yourself... once you decided to commit yourself, you started to back away... and finding another place to hide is the best solution for you.... and that girl happen to be the one person who is standing in front of you. Likewise... when you broke off with ur ex.. the next closest person for you to hide is ah bee... but of coz she starts to poke into you and each of them show your truth identities... instead of facing the mirror... you look away again. Likewise... after our one year r.s, you too wanted to think about commitment.. but the moment you thought about it... you starts to back away.... thats why prehaps you broke up with me. So please Stop saying that: "Thats the reason why I should settle down in 2 years time". Why you need to drag other people down with you and bind the two hearts together when you know that in the end its the commitment that force you to love that person and not that you have learn to love that person and appricate what they have done for you? I believe that your ex, the girl, me, and the girl you fall in love laterly are people that suits you and people you like to be with and love them but at the end of the day is whether have you let go of the pasts and learn to love them?
3. That comes to the deepest past that you so refuse and rejected to talk about. The more your refuse to talk about it.. the more damage it seems to do to your relationships. Its the one question that keeps you holding on to it: "What makes you think you have a chance?" Prehaps all these time you have been questioning: "Isn't giving my heart, my love to you does not deserve me a chance to be with you again?" You never get the answer... and you kept it inside you.... and hope that as time goes by it will earse all the pain and hurt that you have... time do make people forget but we actually did not really forgot till we really get out of the system. I also thought that I forget about the hurt I felt for kiat... but every christmas... it hurt so badly... its always the curse christmas... coz I wanted to know why he did not give me a chance even thought I said I'm sorry. I guess only some years years back.. no idea when liao lah, I manage to asked him... but I did not really remember the answer (I guess I was abit drunk) but its the matter of saying it out to that person... than its the release... prehaps you thought that you have forgotten it coz you did not "think" about it any more... but things around you will make you think back about the things you both have did, etc, it will still remind you about her. The reason why I went Australia... coz I wanted to get out of this "feeling" too... I want to say out all of the things I wanted to say to my ex... and I know that I hated the sms and blog... I do not want to talk to the virtual him in here... and I know I can never see him again even as a friend to ask him what I feel: "why do you broke off with me?" The question that bug me so much... even If I wanted ...being his character... he is a very very senstive person... and prehaps this r.s have left him blaming himself for life.... I really can't bare to do this to him. I guess because you felt that people will use this as your weak point to attack you. But have you tried to talk it out to people you can trust... people that is close to you? I know its hard to say it out after all you have tried so hard to try to "forget" about it. It only that you have fully talk about the fear that you have felt and admit to that fear, you can than fully open yourself to accept the love of others and learn to love other back openly. It's not asking you to forgive or forget about the r.s.. is asking you to really let go as you have said its a past. It will only be a past when you don't really feel fear, hate, anger, sad about it... all you felt is those good time you have with that person.. and understand that prehaps she does not love you as much as she love that guy that she have chosen to be with... but you are happy that she did gave you a chance for you to express your love to her and try to accept it. Just like I felt for kiat now... I'm happy about the things we have done, and was happy that we did give ourselves a 2nd chance when we felt that our love can still work out.. althought alot of memories are blur now and in distortion.... no longer I felt a sense of anger and saddness when I see him like I use to.
4. Talk about your relationship with your family. Prehaps you should look at yourself more often.. All relationships need time to build up and so does distancing the relationship. Stop saying that your family relationship has distance beyond help... have you tried to do anything about it? All you can say that i'm busy!~ Ya busy with yourself! Like I have always said its not about the quantities of time you spend in the relationship, rather is all these time, quality time you are spending. You can be with them everyday... but you are lock in your room every day. But you will say: "will they are sleeping in their room also what!" "They are tired too what after their work!" But how about dinner time? Even dinner time you are busy with yourself watching tv. Do you ever thought of stop watching tv when you are having dinner and spend that time with them asking them how is their business in the market, etc? You will say: "everyday asked the same what?" Then everyday you also eat what, can don't eat and you will be full? It's those little time that you all spend during the dinner time that adds up to the kinship. How about monday when they dont have to work? You will say: "I need to work what!" But can't you bring them out for dinner? Why have to wait till their birthday then treat them better? We can't choose our parent be it there are good or bad, since we can't we might as well treat them well.. rather when they are no longer around and you felt the lost.. and will question yourself: "why you did not do this earlier?" "What I never know about it at all?" "Why they never tell me?".
5. Relationship is about relate with another person and both of us are in a ship. To let it sail properly, we need to relate to each other and tell each other and reflect for each other what have gone wrong in that ship. We are all human, we can never see what is wrong with ourselves. Even we saw it, we tends to run away and don't face it... that's why we need another person to constantly remind ourselves who we are and what we have done and has to be done. Most of the time, we just refuse to hear the bad side of us... who will want to... everyone wants to be praise.. praises make one feel good... and of coz not all good and bad things are true also. That's why at times, we should just stop ourselves and question ourselves and look at ourselves - For only ourselves know who we are truely and what other person said about you is true.
6. I have already did my best as a lover, a good friend can do by showing you all the things that weights you down and back you away every time you want to move a step ahead. There could have more things that you fear to tell others... who will want to show the dark side to people... I do not either... but at times when you feel stuck in a maze you have created yourself... its always good that someone enlight your path to make you understand more to convince yourself to walk out of it. A good friend who has walk the road together with you, will always there to support you. I truthly greatfull to all my friends that have stand by my side to spend their time listening to me and conforting me when I'm down. They might not have help much, but their presence makes me walk out of the mazes I set myself. By talking to them, makes me see it more clearly. Just like talking in here, makes me see everything clearly when I started to lost my way. All these things I said might not be true coz its all part of my thinking and talking to the virtual you. Only you will know how much is true and will you take up those steps is all up to you.
   
7. And why I talk about it, coz its in my head!~! I just want to get rid of it and won't think about it. Coz it's what I wanted to say to you- be it virtually you or you in real life... I no longer wanted to keep feelings and feel angry at the end of the day that I can't express it out. And when I tried to express it out - like what I did just now calling you to ask "stupid questions"- and have negative feedback as "I'm playing a mind game with you!" So I guess from now on I rather express myself to you in here and hear the answer I wanted to know virtually. You will say: "It's all make believe" but it do make me feel more calm and focus after writing it all out.... I have no idea why I feel like crying when I said that I only want to talk to you in here.... I know that I'm deciving myself... ke ke... human is always so contridicting... prehaps we all are afraid to get hurt.
   

Things ...

1. You are not ready at all to start over .. you are still holding on to the past that still hurt you. Why you wanted to pick up this relationship, I do not know. To give it a 2nd chance because I want to? Or you wanted yourself? Till the day you can fully share more of yourself to me... you will not be able to love me back.
   
2. I wanted this r/s... but you have no idea... my days felt like I have been through months... and I'm there staring in blanks.
   
3. I'm an impatient person... coz I felt that today I will die... so I must do what I wanted to do... I don't like to wait...
   
4. You are not the only one who feel lost... I feel so lost whe you broke off with me coz i'm slipping in and out of my own grievence. One moment I'm okay, the next I hate you to the core... althought I can admit these feelings have slowly died down as days goes by... I wish you can constantly ensure my uneasiness... that you are trying your best to work things out.
   
5. If i'm making you pressurize... I think I won't call you any more...if you want to speak to me... you will call me... if you thought of me.. you would have called me... just like I would... I guess from now... if I miss you and feel like talking to you.. I will talk to you in here.
   

Feeling letter....

Great......... So thats what u have been seeing in me.. I'm playing mind game with you... for what I have to do that?

Dear Alex
I am writing this letter to share my pain in order to find acceptance, forgiveness and love.

Right now I feeling angry for what you have said: "I'm playing mind game with you"

I feel angry that you have not called me at all to check on my sickness.
I feel angry because you have not show that you care at all!~
I feel angry when you said that because I told you not to call me so you don't call.
I wish you could have called.

I feel sad that you said those words - that i'm playing a mind game
I feel sad because I find myself stupid for missing you and you think that I'm playing mind game on you.
I feel sad when you thought all these was a mind game.
I wanted just to learn to love you back and to live happily ever after and by asking all these questions are just part of my own assurance.

I feel afraid that what you said was not truth. Its too sudden change from uo, down and up again.
I feel afraid because what you do never tell me you loved me nor missed me.
I feel afraid when you are not around to talk to me.
I do not want to be alone
I need your love and friendship

I feel sorry that I can't give you some space to think and make you feel pressurise by me
I feel sorry because I'm those kind of person that if I want an answer, I want an answer. I can't wait for a min or less.
I feel sorry when I think about the love we shared and the time we tried to make it work
I want you to love me
I hope I can learn to let go.

Thank you for listening

Love, zuwee

Dayang Day 3...and last day of my dive trip

Day 3 - everyone is out for their last dive...

Everyone of my group have went for their last dive... I'm the only one who is left... sat there together with huilin and zhihao at see the world pass us by... The reason why we woke up at 7am to have our first dive is because most of the instructors have to leave at 12pm after our 2nd dive of the day to return back to Singapore. It was rather peaceful... I wonder how these people survive without television or telephone... Maybe they have a television hidden in some place just like at palawan.. they have television at their workers' quaters..

We are been force to socialise coz after 3pm as there is really nothing to do... only you and I... I and you... the only group that is left are the advance leisure divers which request for 2 more dives from the dive instructor.. the rest of us which are left on the island... some played volleyball... others like me suntanning... Then, it started to rain... I wonder how these advance diver can manage with such choppy water... yong tian and gabra both have their brokeback advanture... playing crabs that they caught at the far end of the beach... me and huilin munching with our tea breaks, fried sweet potato... we felt so waste of time

Finally, its dinner time and "party time"... they brought in beers when we come in from malaysia... selling 2 can at $4/RM11. Being bored... we decided to play the indian poker!~!~ Oh man.. i really regret. As i could not drink lately... I have to drink water... did I tell you that the water really very disgusting... soooooooooo distilled lor... I lost 3 rounds.. and have to drink 3 full cups of water... I was soooooo full.. and keep going to the wash room... We have a fun time torturing zhihao.. because he is so ya ya papaya... keep saying that he is very thirsty... soon enough he was forced to drink 1 cup of water, 1 cup of rose syrup, 1 cup of beer. whahahha it was so funny.. it was not once but 3 time in a row. He blame it on the sofa that he seat while we go for a break... whahaha. But I guess the most person who drank the most is the other girl... shit I forget her name... anyway... we have a fun time.

Zhihao face is red from the beer. wahhah and the girl in back who drank the most beer looks abit sleepy. ke ke

Last day!~!~
Well good things have to end soon or later... it always when you are just starting to enjoy it.. it has to end...

This is taking our last memory shot of dayang

There are all my lovely roommates

These are the people on the island~!~!
Where is my jack??

Goodbye dayang!! till we meet again...

This is me and gabra and that is my dive equipment in the bag
My dive buddy!~! Do we look alike?? I feel we do lor.
This is my dive group. The two guys are so blessed!~ Ke ke

one of my friend did this "artistic" shot...

Reflection:

1. Finally I have fulfilled my wish!~! to dive~!~ If it wasn't the r/s break out.. I might not be able to dive now... althought I'm still not very good at it.. but practice will makes it perfect. Just that I need to find a dive partner that I can trust.. its very dangerous underwater.. alot of things can happen.. you can be attacked by fishes, etc
2. I did not find myself when I was there.. I have no idea.. nothing comes into mind... mind empty... try to think about the r/s... nothing came into view... all I felt time pass so slowly....
3. someone I admired during the trip and that is yong tian... he is a very rare guy and I can say might be extinct... Really envy her gf have gotten such a nice guy. He was a very helpful guy.. always keep a look out for us(girls and guys, but of coz our group are mostly girl apart from gabra). He will alway offer to help carry stuff for us... help us exchange the used tank to new ones.. help us wear our BCD (its really damn heavy lor). He will help those around him, no matter he knows them or not. No temper at all.. he gave me a kind of feeling that you know he is the good type of guy that a girl will definitly like and will make a good husband that can take care of your for life. But too bad he is taken... wahhahaha why all good guys like him are taken.... all left are those half here and not there... *sob sob* ke ke
   

My mum was a screamer~!~ she was worried sick coz indonesia have a earthquake on sat... and she is afraid of tsunami... emmm indonesia and where I am is very far away lor... the minutes I reach malaysia and switch on my phone.. I recieve a call from uncle already... when will they treat me like an adult... I need to get out of this confined place... I need place for me to grow further away... without burden...

Paronoid...

I guess I'm just been too paronoid.... or my fear makes me too anxious... I felt time just pass so slowly... I'm waiting for my book to be delivery to me via the mail. I got this book "Mars and Venus getting over" from the net. I read a few pages online and find it quite interesting and I guess this book will more or less settle myself and set me in better mind frame:

"A breakup, divorce, or loss of a loved one isn't just the end of your relationship with that person. It's a continuation of every feeling of abandonment you've ever suffered. It's the loss of a system of approval you'd come to depend on. The struggle, as Gray points out in Starting Over, isn't just to find a new partner, but to get over those feelings of abandonment or loss or anger or whatever else gets dredged up by the end of a relationship.

Perhaps the book's most crucial chapter posits that the best way to get over the loss of love is to focus on the "love" more than the "loss." That may seem impossible, especially if the bum took off with your best friend, your life savings, and your Lyle Lovett CDs, but Gray didn't get to be a household name because the advice in his Venus and Mars books doesn't work. Remembering only the bad parts, Gray says, leaves you with an important part of your emotional being closed to new business.

As for the Venus and Mars stuff, that comes in the second half of the book, when Gray looks at how men and women start new relationships from different points of view, with different priorities (a man might want to have fun with no strings attached; a woman might carry with her a lengthy list of requirements for her next partner, a list that excludes virtually all available men).

If you've never read Gray's work before, you have to be prepared to check your cynicism at the door. This is earnest stuff, but it's also based on decades of experience counseling clients. He's not one of those photogenic, nine-times-divorced shrinklets who's telling you how to conduct your relationships without any real clue of what makes love last. This is the real package: nothing glib, nothing quick and easy, nothing you could've figured out from a "Love Is..."

I have no idea how I should go about starting over this relationship... but I hope you can be more patient with me to settle myself... I can be more childish at time... I can be more irritating at times.. I can be even demanding at time... is just me when I'm lost... slipping in and out of no where.. going around the maze I set myself...

Chance...

I gave you a chance to show me what you have... I told you I was sick... fever strike me when I went out with my gfs two days ago... I guess I have caught a cold when I tried to run back to my office in the thunder storm afew days ago.... it starts raining very heavily when I went to the post office to buy some stamp.. it was pouring and there is alot of lighting... I'm afraid of lighting after hearing so many incident when people got strike by lighting... so I make a dash back to the office all soaking wet... when I msged you... you just told me to rest early... you never asked me why... I told you I drank and I have no idea should I take the panadol... no reply... the next day...I tried not to wait for your msg... but my heart is waiting... the next morning you msged me back that you dozed off to sleep because you are tipsy... I decided to leave you a msg in your msn... I was fine in the morning... after walking in and out of the sun... the fever came back... I thought maybe you did not recieve my msg.. or maybe you have recieved my msn... at least you could have called and asked me how am I feeling... did your fever still come back?, etc.. you did not msged me... till I msged you that my fever came back...only than you msged me back... disappointed... why should I make the first move?? I would be more happy if you have just randomly msged me to check on me...

Today... waited the whole day... no msged of concern... no one was at the msn the whole day... no idea where have you been... was surprise that one of my colleague called to checked on me.... it was sweet of him... but I guess no concern will be sweeter if it was from you... I'm not waiting any more... I guess my feeling is not just a blog... I'm a flesh and blood... do not wish to create chances any more... I guess by creating chance for you, I expected more from you and in the end.. maybe I will get hurt too... less hope, less hurt... let nature takes it cause... and let the LORD decide for me... taking a step backward and sat beside the road.... waiting ... I guess for now I will learn to walk without you by my side...prehaps I shall just sit down and wait till I'm ready to walk... i'm still too scared to know the answer at the end of the road...

Part 2 of Dayang dive trip

veryone went for the 6th dive... but i op. out because after so many dives.. my muscle starts to ache.. maybe because i seldom exercise... and the tanks are really very heavy. So I decided to "stone" on the island, did some sun tanning and photo taking of the island.








































I started to think back about the days we were at palawan... it was a very nice trip.. our first trip together.. and our last trip together... we spent 4 days on an island just like dayang.. without tv nor mobile reception... all we have is the nature that surrounds us... its a petty that you don't like the sea like I do... I long that we can dive together and see the marine life under water... just like at palawan.. holding your hand as we snokle... and see fishes swimming around us... I envy those couple that was there at dayang... they are so comfortable with each other... huilin told me that there is one couple who is in her group... they are so good buddy in the water... always looking after each other... will you decide to try out diving one day??